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I am having a hard time with my desire and I know it's directly related to how I feel. When I have improvement, this really isn't a problem but when I don't it really, really is. The problem is I don't feel good most of the time but I don't want to let my husband down or have him feel rejected. During the summer, I would just turn him down and say I didn't feel well, and I didn't. Well, after a while he was so disappointed and frustrated and well... I don't know but he wasn't happy and he let me know. Well, I decided that I'd suck it up and do as much as I can even when I don't feel like it. I decided that I didn't want him to have to suffer for my sufferings any more than he already has to. We are all having to make sacrifices but I hate that my family and especially my husband have had their lives changed so much as well. He still gets turned down but I am really, really, really, really trying so hard (REALLY!!). Only now he can still tell that I'm not enjoying it like he would like me to, I'm trying, I am but it's hard.
My depression is about being dependant on people, and not having happiness from myself alone. I always fill the void. One way or another, I find a way to fill it. I even fill it without knowing I am filling it. I always feel like I need someone there close to me to survive. If I feel rejected I feel like I am being deprived of breathing. I lose all confidence and feel worthless, like I can never keep a friend around b/c once they see how I really am, they won't want anything to do with me anymore. I am okay at times, b/c this kinda depression is entirely situational. As screwed up as this is, if the people I wanted to respond to me and care acted as such, all of a sudden I'd feel all better. I would look back at this depression and laugh and convince myself I really am ok and was all along. But once that person or thing runs out, I am back in it again. Then I will analyze everything everyone does or says!! I will pick it apart and find hidden meanings. When my friends tell me to stop doing this, it is like hearing to stop living. I cannot find a way, my mind has a mind of it’s own it seems. I feel out of control like the thoughts are going to drive me insane, rather than me help the thoughts to go away. I wish I could. I worry excessively, so much so that I make myself physically sick. Situations may change from day to day and all of a sudden I feel great again, but the fact is I put ALL control of my life into the actions of others towards me. I "need" them to make me feel secure, and I "need" them to care about me and if I do not feel I am getting that feeling I freak out and create scenarios in my mind to determine why. The result is always that I suck, and I can't hold on to anything good in life. I grew up as an only child. I didn't like my mom and she was never there. Maybe this need for people formed when she left. Who knows. I cannot blame the past anymore but it helps to try and see maybe how it started. All I know if I hate myself so much some days that I would rather not be here at all. I am NOT suicidal though. The constant changing of moods is making me insane and I am trying like hell to not let too much of this show to others. I know how annoying this can be to a friend on the outside. I used to call everyone and anyone I could think of but this time i am too worried i will lose friends over my insane thoughts! But for some reason if someone came to me with these issues, I wouldn't want to walk away. I feel like I relate so much that I would want to help all I could. Maybe that is part of my problem. My dependency issues come into play once again b/c I can feel needed when someone comes to me with issues. I long to be needed and the truth is, no one needs me the way I want them to. Maybe they do need me, but no one needs in a way like I need them. I want to desperately to be okay with just being me and not constantly wondering what is going on with everyone else. I am exhausted from the worry and the thinking and more worry and more thinking and analyzing. I feel so tired yet I can't turn it off!! If I don't hear from certian people for a day or more, I feel I am losing them and from there my mind creates it's own reasons that grow and grow into this huge thing that isn't and wasn't there to begin with! It goes deeper than dependency too. I worry about death, losing people to tragedy, bad things like illness. I obsess and convince myself of things that are not true. I am glad I see my issues here. I am glad I know they are real and know what they are. I just do not know how to just be happy all the time. I want to be, and a person that hasn't experienced real depression cannot understand. They simply DO NOT know that feeling when you first wake up in the AM and you are slapped with the feelings all over again. They coming rushing into me like a huge wave of force I can't stop! They make you NOT want to get up at all! Therefore people saying to just tell yourself to be happy is impossible. I hate that anyone in my life has to deal with my annoying mind and issues, but I would hope true friends would stand by either way and know that I want to make myself better. I hesitate to take anti-d's again. I took them, gained 50 lbs., and they didn't really help. I got off them a few years ago, lost all the weight and I am not willing to change that. It was a HUGE struggle to get off and I hated needing it. Maybe I do though. I KNOW I need therapy. It is just a matter of finding someone, and then taking a deep breath and having to explain all this. I write these thoughts down a lot when they actually happen. Maybe I can use them to help explain to someone. It is hard to make sense of it at all. I didn't mean to get so deep into my issues. I just wanted to tell someone and hope there is at least ONE person out there that relates!
